Little Leo Lost

“We will fight the terrorists around the world so we do not have to face them here at home.”

If I hear that idiotic argument for the war in Iraq one more time, I’m going to hork all over my shoes.

Ding-Dong!

- “I’ll get it. Hi, can I help you?”

- “Good hello, sir. Is your military at home?”

- “No, they’re away. Can I take a message?”

- “Yes, please tell them we have been here waiting for them. If they are too busy or if they do not think we are important, then we will help ourselves to your innocent civilians as they sleep in their homes.”

- “Oh, you want our Department of Homeland Security. Well, I’m afraid they’re in the process of moving their offices. I’ll let them know you were–-"

Ka-Boom!

And maybe I’m wrong, but it seems that we’ve been neglecting lots of other places in the world besides our homeland. In an ever-growing multiple tie for first: Afghanistan, of course. The International Institute of Strategic Studies estimates that as many as 90% of the 20,000 militants trained in al-Qaeda camps there are still at large. That doesn’t sound good. Maybe we should go back in time and see the Afghanistan problem to some sort of positive conclusion before considering another war.

Speaking of fantasy, have you noticed that the alternate universe leader of the free world (President Martin Sheen) is on the brink of solving the Middle East tragedy, at the expense of his Chief of Staff, who gripped his liver and collapsed in the woods while the White House choppers sped off to DC? In my hypochondriacal state, I gripped my liver (hemorrhoids) and collapsed in the woods (front yard) while the White House (police) choppers sped away to DC (Camden).

Early Warning

One week before the most important U.S. election in my lifetime and I'm all a-twitter, because I know that today will probably be the day they trot out bin Laden. "See! We got 'em!" they'll say. And John Kerry will casually toss off, "Yes, but we will continue to hunt down the tewwowists and kill them in ow tewwowist-hunting costumes. It's still tewwowist season." Anyway, just thought I'd warn you.

Live from Arizona

Ah well. Neither candidate berked out or drooled or stalked off in defeat. But I think I just heard Senator Kerry say “idear.” Is that his “nukular?”

Well, Kerry stayed the same and President Bush seemed sharp and likable. Neither gave any real answers, which probably appeals most to the red states who see foreign policy in black and white. So prepare yourself for the possibility that Kerry’s unguarded promise “to throw these crooks out of office” really isn’t going to happen.

And now, here was my favorite comment from the blogosphere tonight...
From Wonkette: 9:20 pm Kerry: Tony Soprano reference. Someone is going to wake up with John Kerry's head under the covers.

Wired

Now that we’ve witnessed two presidential debates, I’m counting on the Dwyer Condition rearing its bloody head again. Let me explain. You know the thrill of anticipation while watching live television? You find yourself hoping that something stupefyingly outrageous will happen to shatter the dreariness of the medium. R. Budd Dwyer was the Pennsylvania Treasurer who, the day before he was to be sentenced for charges related to a bribery case, arranged a press conference, and then shot himself on live television. The Dwyer Condition reappeared in watered-down form one day while I was watching Arthur on PBS. Gov. McGreevey interrupted the broadcast to announce his resignation, etc. When he was through improving the entertainment value of politics, his image cut to wavy dream lines. Arthur had been having a dream, apparently about a gay American. Anyway, now, by applying the Dwyer Condition to the third and final 2004 Presidential Debate, I envision the following exchange:

Bob Schieffer: The next question is for you, Mr. President. How would you respond to those who ask whether or not compassionate conservatism is a viable philosophy in today’s world?

President Bush: Of course it. ‘Course it is. It’s viable. I mean, ‘matter of fact, it’s necessary...it’s a necessary viable...you can’t have it both ways...sending mixed signals...that’s no way to lead -- Oh for chrissakes. (He makes a fist and moves toward Senator Kerry, then backs away) I can’t keep doing this freakin’ bull....

(His voice trails as he turns away from the podium. The camera zooms in to follow him, revealing a square bulge under the suit material between his shoulder blades. There is a spark of light in the center of the bulge, and he stiffens. He whirls around, grimacing in pain. He is nodding his head as returns to the podium. He seems to be whispering, and the only recognizable phrase is “Yes, Karl. I’m ready.” He leans into the microphone as sweat drips from his forehead.)

President Bush: Mr. Schieffer, my fellow Americans (pause). It can be argued that (pause) conservatism by its nature is (pause) highly compassionate and moral (pause). Where the Left is prone to empty platitudes (pause) and opportunistic moral posturing, (pause) conservatives are more likely to offer concrete solutions (pause). I have consistently demonstrated that (pause) compassionate conservatism is a viable political (pause) philosophy in today’s world. (Smoke rises from behind his back.)