Wired

Now that we’ve witnessed two presidential debates, I’m counting on the Dwyer Condition rearing its bloody head again. Let me explain. You know the thrill of anticipation while watching live television? You find yourself hoping that something stupefyingly outrageous will happen to shatter the dreariness of the medium. R. Budd Dwyer was the Pennsylvania Treasurer who, the day before he was to be sentenced for charges related to a bribery case, arranged a press conference, and then shot himself on live television. The Dwyer Condition reappeared in watered-down form one day while I was watching Arthur on PBS. Gov. McGreevey interrupted the broadcast to announce his resignation, etc. When he was through improving the entertainment value of politics, his image cut to wavy dream lines. Arthur had been having a dream, apparently about a gay American. Anyway, now, by applying the Dwyer Condition to the third and final 2004 Presidential Debate, I envision the following exchange:

Bob Schieffer: The next question is for you, Mr. President. How would you respond to those who ask whether or not compassionate conservatism is a viable philosophy in today’s world?

President Bush: Of course it. ‘Course it is. It’s viable. I mean, ‘matter of fact, it’s necessary...it’s a necessary viable...you can’t have it both ways...sending mixed signals...that’s no way to lead -- Oh for chrissakes. (He makes a fist and moves toward Senator Kerry, then backs away) I can’t keep doing this freakin’ bull....

(His voice trails as he turns away from the podium. The camera zooms in to follow him, revealing a square bulge under the suit material between his shoulder blades. There is a spark of light in the center of the bulge, and he stiffens. He whirls around, grimacing in pain. He is nodding his head as returns to the podium. He seems to be whispering, and the only recognizable phrase is “Yes, Karl. I’m ready.” He leans into the microphone as sweat drips from his forehead.)

President Bush: Mr. Schieffer, my fellow Americans (pause). It can be argued that (pause) conservatism by its nature is (pause) highly compassionate and moral (pause). Where the Left is prone to empty platitudes (pause) and opportunistic moral posturing, (pause) conservatives are more likely to offer concrete solutions (pause). I have consistently demonstrated that (pause) compassionate conservatism is a viable political (pause) philosophy in today’s world. (Smoke rises from behind his back.)