Curious Male

In the unisex rest room at work, did you ever find a small stream of blood working its way down the underside curve of the toilet seat when you lifted it to relieve yourself? I did.

Step One: ID the Enemy

Now that the President has identified the enemy, let’s explore the history and scope of these “Islahmick Fashists.”

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As everyone knows, fashists (or, in the spelling of the pre-Bush era, fascists…the spelling was changed to avoid confusion with facists, or users of Facebook) are bad folk. According to the wikipedia entry, fascism was a radical totalitarian political philosophy that combined elements of corporatism, authoritarianism, extreme nationalism, militarism, anti-communism and anti-liberalism. In today’s lexicon, one may as well add gay-bashing, blind greed, and ignorance of history, and you've got a clear picture of a red state. However, when the President speaks of Islahmick Fashists, he is referring to the state of Islahmia. In Fashist Islahmia (which is said to be located "somewhere out that way but not in our own back yard"), the state controls the means of production, including all of their machines, power generation and labor, i.e., robots that shoot lasers out of their eyes, humans and children. Islahmia’s businesses and government collude to profit by engaging in economic intervention. As a result, in Islahmia everyone is employed. Because all aspects of life are subjected to the national interest, citizens of Islahmia enjoy a bright future. As they say in Fashist Islahmia, “around here, you gotta wear shades.” Oh yes, and they hate freedom...and us.

With All That's Happening in the World...

This was sent some months ago by voicemail from a viewer identifying himself as Gallon Pencil (not his real name):

Wayne, the following joke -- wait, can you hear me? ‘kay. The following joke has almost certainly been made before, however as far as I know it hasn’t, therefore I’m claiming ownership. Here we go:

Wayne, it has come to my understanding that one of the cartoonish leaders of your beloved, once-great Democratic Party, I’m speaking of the orca from Cape Cod, Schmed Schmennedy (not his real name), has written a children’s book all about the exploits of his little pet dog named Splash (his actual name). And that makes me wonder: does the story of Splash take place in Chappaquiddick?

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Where am I?

This was sent by voicemail from a viewer identifying himself as Talon Stencil (not his real name):

So I did this little dance with this chick at the Wawa…no, not that kind of chick, the regular kind…you know, where you’re both moving the same way, trying to get through the door and you keep blocking each other -- heh-heh -- it’s an awkward moment, you know what I’m saying. And then at the end, I kinda laugh and I go heh-heh, y’know. And she goes, ‘You have a good one.’

What does that mean?

Wayne, how do you people do it over there without air conditioning in your little tents? I’m so glad I live in climate-controlled splendor.

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