No News is TV News

I had been planning to write about the horrid state of television programming. I'll warn everyone that television is both a reflection and a catalyst of our doom, I thought. Naturally, I had to research a bit. Bear in mind, I co-founded the Couch Potato Lodge at Glassboro State College in 1984, and I have some history of TV viewing under my belt. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that television programming is meaningful. As I inferred, I am a recovering TV addict. Part of my treatment involved sacrificing cable more than ten years ago. Today, I receive eleven channels through the assistance of rabbit ears dangling over the side of the set.

Here is a sample of all eleven channels. I typed what I heard, then moved on:

1. There was no assault.
2. It was a beautiful block. Anderson just did a complete obliteration.
3. ‘Cause she had a grisly time when she was sixteen.
4. This ingenious construction is not fixed in any way to the rock.
5. But despite strong sales on Friday, Saturday was disappointing.
6. Sandy, you’ve got to marry me and you’ve got to come to Canada with me.
7. How does the modern mom cut down on all that holiday stress?
8. Well I think it’s disgusting, pretending they don’t know each other. It’s a con!
9. Is this your girlfriend? Oh, it’s your wife.
10. And because I postponed the wedding, I came home one day to find her and her parents moving all my belongings out of our home.
11. The most common side effects of Nexium are headache and diarrhea.
12. And somebody got killed in the process.

KEY
1. CSI: Miami
2. Monday Night Football
3. Dateline NBC: Princess Diana
4. Niagara Falls: A Naked Planet Special
5. News
6. As Time Goes By
7. News (promo)
8. Lovejoy
9. Paid Programming
10. Judge Mathis
11. Commercial
12. CSI: Miami